The Importance of Surrender

By: Dr. Denise Renye

I am very interested in supporting people to become their truest, most integrated selves. I use numerous modalities to aid that process and one of them is depth psychotherapy. Depth psychotherapy is designed to help people to shed conditioned parts of themselves so they can be the most them they can be.

We spend so much time trying to fit ourselves into a warped, sociocultural reality that it’s no wonder we have such high levels of depression and anxiety. We are born into families that nonverbally require us to fit in and we are conditioned by them in order to do so. Then we go to schools that require us to sit still and learn in a very linear way, which is further conditioning. And simultaneously, we may be raised in religions that require us to keep our outlier ideas to ourselves in order to fit in. And shamed if they are spoken or made known. Then in our intimate partnerships there are unspoken rules or things we must do to please the other person (or people). It’s hard to just be yourself when there are so many rules and structures put in place from early in life. For many, being forced to act in this way can be traumatic.

What is the solution here? Are we doomed to struggle with ideas, feelings, and relationships until we die? I think some struggle is unavoidable and even worthy of sinking our teeth into, however, we can also invite more ease through the process of surrender. I love how Dr. Harry Tiebout defines surrender in the therapeutic process. He writes about it in relation to alcoholism but I think his quote is relevant for anyone:

“We can now be more precise in our definition of an act of surrender. It is to be viewed as a moment when the unconscious forces of defiance and grandiosity actually cease to function effectively. When that happens, the individual is wide open to reality; he or she can listen and learn without conflict and fighting back. He or she is receptive to life, not antagonistic. The person senses a feeling of relatedness and at-oneness that becomes the source of an inner peace and serenity, the possession of which frees the individual from the compulsion to drink. In other words, an act of surrender is an occasion wherein the individual no longer fights life, but accepts it.”

Surrender is an internal process where you no longer fight life but accept it. It’s not that you’re giving up or letting go of responsibility or letting other people have their way with you or powering over you. No. It’s something else entirely.

Author, meditation teacher, and the founder of the Dharana Institute Sally Kempton discusses this in an article for the Yoga Journal. She writes:

“This is not to say there is no value – and sometimes no choice – in learning how to give way, to let go of preferences. All genuinely adult social interactions are based on our shared willingness to give in to one another when appropriate. But the surrender that shifts the platform of your life, that brings a real breakthrough, is something else again. True surrender is never to a person, but always to the higher, deeper will, the life force itself.”

At its core, surrendering creates space because it’s giving over of yourself to something else. It’s allowing yourself to be filled with something other than your own worries and emotions. Although sometimes that “something else” is not always beneficial. For instance, in the case of addiction. People who have an addiction surrender to their substance of choice whether that’s unconscious drug use, food, relationships/love/sex, video games, etc., and then they are taken over by it. It’s something they are not in control of. There’s a compulsion around addiction, a desperate need to have whatever the thing is in order to feel better or feel numb or somehow escape the current reality of their internal landscape of feeling.

Often, it’s challenging for people dealing with addiction to practice a form of surrender that does not involve substances because the internal surrender is much more subtle than the instant gratification concretized through the use of a substance. However, the former can be just as powerful as the latter. I think dancer and choreographer Martha Graham describes this beautifully when she describes surrendering in the form of creative expression: 

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”

Surrender is also a mainstay of a sexual or sensual experience. La petite mort is a French expression often in reference to an orgasm. It means “little death” (death is the greatest act of surrender and it’s no wonder that is one of the greatest fears in this human lifetime). We must surrender our expectations, over-active minds and control in order to be in our embodied experiences and enjoy orgasm, or the little death, of our controlling mind. I have worked with many people who experience anorgasmia, an experience of inability to orgasm. Anorgasmia is a very individual experience and working with surrender can be an effective means in the recovery of pleasure in the body.

Dr. Marion Woodman speaks to this when she says: “Having a body that is like a musical instrument, open enough to be able to resonate, literally resonate with what is coming both from the inside and from the outside, so that one is able to surrender to powers greater than oneself.”

How then do you actually do this amorphous act of surrender?

Surrender requires softening of your mind, body and soul, of relaxing into what is. It is very much so an internal shift and can also be an external act. The external act can be used as a symbolic way to deepen the internal shift of surrendering.

Surrender may look and feel different at different times. Externally it could involve a body posture of child’s pose, an open armed posture towards the sky, or a flowing movement of the arms. It could even be as formal as you saying to the wiser part of yourself, the Self that is intuitive and calm: “Self, I’m letting go of this.” If you are someone who believes in God, you could do the same: “OK God. OK. I’m letting you handle this because I cannot.” If you believe in some sort of Sacred entity, no matter what word you use, you can pray for help with surrendering. You can also pray to be willing to surrender! Sometimes the grip of control is so tight you can’t jump right in and say, “Help me surrender.” Sometimes you have to take a step back and say, “Help me to be willing to surrender.” You’d be surprised how much even having the willingness to let go will open the door to surrender.

If you’re someone for whom reading the above paragraph didn’t make much sense because it’s so intellectual, don’t worry, there are also other ways to surrender. You probably knew this was coming but breathing is a great way to let go. Breathe into your belly, soften your stomach muscles for even two minutes and it’s likely you’ll feel more relaxed and surrendered. Every single out breath is a letting go.

You can also practice or engage in a ritual to help you surrender. Maybe that means writing down something that’s bothering you and burning it, or submerging it into water and watching the ink dissolve. Maybe it means buying a coconut and saying, “This represents ____” and then smashing it on the ground as a form of release. (Note: Don’t eat the coconut after you smash it because that’s you re-ingesting the thing you’re trying to let go of.) Maybe the ritual is imagining a flower that represents the issue on your mind – whether that’s because of the flower itself or the flower’s color – and you visualize dropping it into a river where it gets carried away. Or even dropping it into an actual river, ocean, creek, bucket of water, or puddle on the street.  Whatever it is, adding in a ritual can also help with surrender.

Psychotherapy itself provides an opportunity for surrender. Asking for help from someone trustworthy requires surrender and that is a phenomenal strength.

 For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.

References

Kempton, Sally. “Learn the Value of Spiritual Surrender.” Yoga Journal. October 15, 2007. https://www.yogajournal.com/yoga-101/get-carried-away

Tiebout, Harry. “The act of surrender in the therapeutic process, with special reference to alcoholism.” Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, 1949;10:48-58. http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/dlm_uploads/1949-Tiebout-Surrender-in-Alcoholism-Recovery.pdf