How Internal Healing Supports External Healing: Object Relations Theory meets Buddhist Psychology

By: Dr. Denise Renye

As the United States draws closer and closer to the election, I can’t help but think instead of being “united,” we’re divided. That division is intentional and seemingly malicious. People on the left and the right are legitimately scared that the “other side” is going to take over. This split we’re witnessing also mirrors what happens internally if we’re not psychologically integrated.

What do I mean by psychologically integrated? I mean dealing with, processing, and/or expressing what shows up for us internally; not making it something that only happens “out there.” What I’m speaking about stems from Melanie Klein’s object relations theory. She’s famous in the psychoanalysis world for being a counter to Sigmund Freud.

I won’t bore you with all the details, but in essence, her theory stresses the importance of relationships and connection, primarily the relationship between mother and infant. Klein says the first four to six months are crucial and where we start mentally separating objects, which can also be people, into “good” and “bad” categories. Splitting happens when a child starts repressing the “bad” or anxiety-provoking thoughts or feelings. Instead of holding contradictory thoughts or emotions like “My caregiver is both good and bad,” the child keeps the conflicting feelings separate and only focuses on one (e.g., “My caregiver is only good”).

Splitting is a defense mechanism, a way of managing trauma. It protects the ego from negative or perhaps unbearable feelings. Splitting happens not only in children but also adults – we project our unwanted fears and hatred onto other people and doing so results in, well, what we’re seeing now: racism, war, hatred of the “other,” an “us versus them” mentality, etc. Splitting can also be only focusing on positivity or negativity in order to feel safe and happy. In those instances, the world “makes more sense” if it’s one way or another. It can be hard to hold contradiction.

However, holding contradiction is a must if we want to live in a more peaceful, harmonious world. Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh said countries live inside us and if those internal parts are split and divided, there will be world war equivilants inside of us. He wrote a book called Peace Begins Here discussing how peace is a spiritual, not a political, process. The book is a compilation of wisdom learned from running an ongoing retreat for Israelis and Palestinians at his center Plum Village in France.

Hanh also wrote a letter to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. about the Vietnam war and said the enemy is not other human beings, but rather intolerance, fanaticism, dictatorship, cupidity, hatred, and discrimination. He said all of these are a condition of the heart that can only be cured by divine intervention via the activism of faith communities. He told King: “You cannot be silent because you have already been in action and you are in action because, in you, God is in action – too.”

Buddhist monk Phap Dung, also a resident of Plum Village, told Vox: 

“Trump is not an alien who came from another planet. We produced Trump, so we are co-responsible. Our culture, our society, made him. We love to pick somebody and make them the object. But it’s deeper than that. We have to see him inside of us. We’re shocked because we found out there’s a member of our family that we’ve been ignoring. It’s time to listen and really look at our family….You cannot end discrimination by calling the other names. All the people who voted for him are not bigots and racists and women haters. We are all judgmental, sometimes even a bit racist. What’s in my heart is that people find the patience and clarity to listen before they start to blame and criticize.”

I agree. I see our current time as an opportunity for us to be less divided, and more integrated, within ourselves. And if we can do that, it just could translate into less division externally as well. If we sit with the internal parts of ourselves that are seemingly at odds with each other, we will get a sense for what needs to be done externally in the world as well. We will have practice sitting with the “warring countries” internally and so we’ll also know how to sit with external warring countries and possibly warring states. Peace starts with empathy, seeing one another as fellow human beings who also have the same needs and wants. (If you want guidance on how to listen so someone who is seemingly different, check out my article on how listening can be a form of activism.)

We are complex beings and it takes time to heal the rifts inside (and outside). It's a tall order but the inward journey is the greatest one we’ll ever take. I’m not suggesting we become a bunch of navel gazers sitting around all day looking at ourselves, but a little bit of navel gazing is helpful. It’s an important part of healing the divide we’re seeing in the U.S. It’s a way to gain some semblance of one nation under God and remembering that united we stand.

What are some ways to become more integrated? Psychotherapy, a yoga and meditation practice, psychologically based programs and classes, and psychedelic-assisted therapy are all great ways for people to integrate split parts within, which will then ripple outward to heal the larger world.

If you find you want support with this, reach out to me or anyone else with whom you feel called to work. Healing is an inside job that often benefits from outside help.

 For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.

References

Barclay, Eliza. “A Buddhist monk explains mindfulness for times of conflict.” Vox. November 22, 2016. https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2016/11/22/13638374/buddhist-monk-mindfulness

Coleman, Arica. “Exactly One Year Before His Death Martin Luther King Denounced the War in Vietnam.” History News Network. April 4, 2017. https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/165603

Etherington, Lucy. “Melanie Klein and Object Relations Theory.” Simply Psychology. Accessed October 28, 2020. https://www.simplypsychology.org/Melanie-Klein.html

Hanh, Thich Nhat. Peace Begins Here. Parallax Press: 2005.