The Hidden Emotional Labor of Women

By: Dr. Denise Renye

I, like many women and nonbinary folx, keep thinking about Kamala Harris telling Vice President Mike Pence, “I’m speaking,” when he interrupted her during the recent vice-presidential debate. “I’m speaking” is a full sentence and it is important girls, women, and nonbinary folx feel comfortable and confident asserting themselves when they are interrupted. However, even more so than building confidence, it’s a great deal of inner work for women and nonbinary people to have the onus on them to constantly assert themselves and regularly be bulldozed -- primarily by men. It requires an intense amount of emotional labor to be in that position.

I say “primarily by men” and  science backs up that assertion. In a 1975 Stanford University study, researchers eavesdropped on conversations in coffee shops and drugstores. They counted the number of interruptions by both men and women finding only one (!) of the total 48 interruptions was by a woman.

I know what you’re thinking – 1975 was a long time ago and things have changed since then. Well, they have and they haven’t. In 2014, George Washington University researchers found both men and women interrupt each other at similar rates but women still got talked over more not only by men, but also other women! Men cut women off 2.1 times during a three-minute conversation and 1.8 times when talking with other men. However, women interrupted men only one time on average. When talking with other women though? They interrupted other women 2.8 times during a three-minute conversation.

The issue is the system in which we all live. Men have been taught to take up space, to be heard and respected when speaking, while historically women have been taught to be the listeners and the space holders. This is a disservice to all genders across the continuum. Men are forced to behave in a certain way and may end up feeling shame if they are more inclined to be quiet or dislike being in the spotlight. And some women have internalized misogyny and sexism, which can be experienced as the likelihood to put other women down, sabotage their successes, compete with, and disregard other women or girls’ identity, contributions, and successes. Anything internalized lives in the unconscious and has the opportunity to be brought out of the shadow and into the conscious where it can be integrated into the whole person. This process can be explored and sensitively addressed in therapy.  

We’re living in a patriarchal society. There’s a consistent devaluing of women in American society whether that’s through social interactions, how much women are underpaid, or through the law. I’m not even talking about women’s rights over their own bodies here, although I could. Primarily I’m thinking about rape culture.

Boys, and men, should (and could!) be taught to pay attention to and respond in kind to assertiveness and that “no” means “no.” They should respect that, but instead, women take self-defense classes, learn assertiveness techniques, and feel awful about themselves when their “no” isn't respected, like it’s their fault they were invaded and assaulted. And then on top of that, we watch the likes of Harvey Weinstein and the numerous others who haven't honored the word “no,” and it seems like all the work women and nonbinary folx do to protect themselves is futile. The legal system caters to men and places the burden of proof on women, which is exhausting and demoralizing.

I used to work for Women Organized Against Rape (WOAR) and Women Against Abuse in Philadelphia as a crisis and hotline counselor as well as a court advocate. It was beyond troublesome to witness how beaten down survivors of rape and sexual assault felt due to a system that frequently blamed them for the rape or assault and coddled the abusers. “What were you wearing?” or “Why were you walking around outside when it was dark?” are not valid questions in response to hearing someone was raped or sexually assaulted. And yet these manipulative tactics were often used by defense attorneys. The real kicker was the fact that some of those defense attorneys were women and this is an unfortunate and great example of the internalized misogyny aforementioned.

Natalie Hope McDonald, writer and editor, writes in her piece on rape culture, “Men have to start taking responsibility for their own actions without the old ‘boys will be boys’ cultural hangover that we all seem to be suffering from – still. Ever see the short list of how to prevent a rape? It goes something like this:

Don't rape anyone.

Don't rape anyone.

Don't rape anyone.

Don't rape anyone.”

It seems obvious but somehow, it’s not? I will say things are changing for the better and politicians and courts are finally catching up to the fact women deserve to feel safe no matter what. Indian politician Shashi Tharoor said, “It’s our job to work to create a safe society where a woman can go anywhere at any time without having to fear assault -- not to excuse the criminals who prey on women who dress a certain way.” Yes Tharoor! This should be the norm and not the exception.

In the U.K. as of 2015, date rape suspects must prove a woman consented to have sex. Suspects must explain how they knew the alleged victim said yes and did so freely and knowingly. The Crown Prosecution Service also said suspects can’t use social media to construct false narratives to cover their tracks.

“For too long society has blamed rape victims for confusing the issue of consent – by drinking or dressing provocatively for example,” said Director of Public Prosecutions Alison Saunders in a Daily Mail article. “But it is not they who are confused, it is society itself and we must challenge that. Consent to sexual activity is not a gray area – in law it is clearly defined and must be given fully and freely.”

I wholeheartedly agree, especially when you consider that for every 1,000 rapes, 384 are reported to police, 57 result in an arrest, 11 are referred for prosecution, seven result in a felony conviction, and six result in incarceration, according to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN). That’s shockingly low and in large part has to do with the “beyond a reasonable doubt” standard of evidence employed in criminal cases.

Oftentimes a verdict hinges solely on testimony and when two people tell their version of events convincingly, each story casts some reasonable doubt so more often than not, the perpetrator goes free, according to Christopher Wareham, a lecturer in applied ethics at the Steve Biko Centre for Bioethics at the University of Witwatersrand in Johannesburg, South Africa, and James Vos, who holds a Master’s degree in philosophy, specializing in meta-ethics, from Rhodes University.

“In the case of sexual assault, these harms are extraordinarily severe,” they wrote. “The victim suffers horrendously through the trial and is often badgered into reliving disturbing details of the incident. When the false acquittal is reached, all this is for nothing. Worse than this, she is falsely branded a liar, with all the psychological trauma this entails.”

It is a potential double trauma. The initial trauma of the sexual assault itself and the further trauma of going through the court system. Both require immense amounts of emotional labor. The inner work of this magnitude is intense and I highly recommend working with a clinician who is highly trained in working with sexual assault and abuse survivors utilizing trauma-informed treatments in therapy.

If the U.K. has  a standard  stating consent must be established in a court case,  the U.S. can use this as an example of how to operate as well. It’s time to stop victim-blaming and start holding abusers accountable and responsible for their actions. This need is a systemic change. It  starts with teaching boys to practice empathy as well as to accept limitations and boundaries.  If you’re looking for resources on how to do this, I highly recommend the work of psychologist Dr. Carol Gilligan. In this article, you can learn about classroom techniques to foster healthy connection and self-expression in such a way that dismantles patriarchy.

This hidden emotional labor of women* is real and the product of very outdated ways of interpersonal relating, entitlement, lack of early childhood education on consent and empathy, and keeping the focus wrongly on women’s need to protect themselves rather than teaching men to respect boundaries.

 For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.

*Gender has many intricacies and the use of the word women here is not to exclude non binary people or men who also do immense amounts of emotional labor to be seen, heard and respected on a daily basis.

References

“Don't blame women for rape, put onus on boys to behave: Tharoor to politicians.” Deccan Chronicle. October 6, 2016. https://www.deccanchronicle.com/nation/in-other-news/061016/dont-blame-women-for-rape-put-onus-on-boys-to-behave-tharoor-to-politicians.html

Marsden, Richard; Drury, Ian; Linning, Stephanie. “Men will have to prove a woman said 'yes' in tough new rules for police investigating date rape.” Daily Mail. January 29, 2015. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2930819/CPS-launches-crackdown-rapist-pray-drunk-women-Tightened-laws-stop-suspects-using-social-media-help-cover-tracks.html

McDonald, Natalie Hope. “Rethinking rape culture: stop putting the onus on women.” Philly Voice. October 12, 2017. https://www.phillyvoice.com/rethinking-rape-culture-stop-putting-onus-women/

Robb, Alice. “Women Get Interrupted More – Even By Other Women.” The New Republic. May 14, 2014. https://newrepublic.com/article/117757/gender-language-differences-women-get-interrupted-more

Smith, Kaitlin. “Disrupting Patriarchy in the Classroom with Carol Gilligan.” Facing Today. March 23, 2020. https://facingtoday.facinghistory.org/disrupting-patriarchy-in-the-classroom-with-carol-gilligan

“The Criminal Justice System: Statistics.” RAINN.org. Accessed October 14, 2020. https://www.rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system

Wareham, Christopher; Vos, James. “Why rape cases should not be subject to reasonable doubt.” Aeon.co. December 16, 2016. https://aeon.co/ideas/why-rape-cases-should-not-be-subject-to-reasonable-doubt

Zimmerman, Don H.; West, Candace. “Sex Roles, Interruptions and Silences in Conversation.” Language and Sex: Difference and Dominance. 1975: 105-129. http://web.stanford.edu/~eckert/PDF/zimmermanwest1975.pdf