Donald Trump Represents the Abusive Father Archetype

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Like I wrote about last week, many people are feeling stressed and anxious regarding politics. Specifically, many are triggered (or enamored) by Trump because he represents the abusive father/uncle archetype. If you feel triggered or are experiencing suffering by what you may have witnessed in the debate(s)  by this “governmental father figure” who is ideally supposed to have the American people’s best interests in mind and heart, you are not alone. Nor do you have  to process it alone. It can be especially hard to witness what would be classified as bullying and poor behavior with absolutely no natural consequences.

Related to bullying, I have to say I’m not surprised  First Lady Melania Trump chose “Anti-Bullying” as her platform. The irony of that is not lost on me. I view that choice as her unconscious desire to learn more about how to intervene when in the company of a bully, something she must know well.

To talk about Donald Trump specifically, first off, he exhibits signs of narcissism. Because he is not my patient, I refrain from diagnosing him as such. I have not spoken with him directly. I can, however, quote his niece Dr. Mary Trump, who has a doctorate in clinical psychology and did name him as such. She wrote in her book Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man, “This is far beyond garden-variety narcissism. Donald is not simply weak – his ego is a fragile thing that must be bolstered every moment because he knows deep down that he is nothing of what he claims to be."

The fragility he feels gets projected outward so that he’s intolerant of weakness and is seemingly unable to show any sort of compassion or empathy for others. That intolerance translates into abuse when he interrupts, talks over, calls people names, and manipulates reality through gaslighting and lies, which unfortunately the entire world is subjected to because he’s the president of the United States.

Lili Loofbourow writes about the abusive father dynamic in Slate and said:

“The abusive parent lies because he can. He does as he likes, recognizing no authority above his own. He refuses to be held to any standard, swaps principles depending on how he feels but enforces his new convictions stringently on all his underlings. He is never responsible for what he says, but happily punishes and humiliates those around him for the slightest misstep. He can make promises one day and break them the next, all while feeling terrific about himself; his word means nothing, but his credit is endless. He carves out exception after exception.”

Precisely. Loofbourow hits the abusive parent dynamic on the head. For instance, regarding humiliation, before he became president, Trump said he’d like to invite Gennifer Flowers, Bill Clinton’s former mistress, to the presidential debate with Hillary Clinton. Why? Purely for humiliation. Having Flowers at the debate would add nothing to the debate and instead is the act of a bully, reminding Hillary of a painful event from her past. Trump also likes to humiliate people, women especially, by making demeaning comments. For instance, saying on Twitter that Heidi Klum is no longer a 10, or calling pornographic film actress Stephanie Clifford “Horseface.”

Sometimes the humiliation is passed off as a joke, or done in a joking manner at the expense of someone else. For instance, when Trump mocked New York Times reporter Serge Kovaleski whose hand and arm movement on his right side is impaired due to arthrogryposis. Or when he said he would date his own daughter Ivanka if she wasn’t his daughter. That’s not fair to Ivanka who has most likely been sexualized her whole life and it’s not fair to women who have experienced incest in their lives, from male family members in particular.

Trump also abuses people by using derogatory “pet” names. Usually a pet name is endearing and a way to bring two people closer together. However, Trump uses pet names as a way to belittle people and can greatly confuse the person on the receiving end. It feels intimate but it’s actually cruel and a power/control move. Some examples of pet names include “Crooked Hillary,” “Slow Joe,” and “Phony Kamala.” He also called Sen. Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas” and dubbed the coronavirus “Kung flu.” Those last two examples perpetuate racism and lack empathy for the people who would be affected by the use of those nicknames.

Along those lines, he regularly uses culture and religion to shame people and instill fear in the hearts and minds of White Americans. He instituted a travel ban from several Arabic countries to protect Americans from “terrorists.” He also built a wall between Mexico and the U.S. to keep out Mexican “rapists.” He fans the flames of prejudice and racism to spur fear of Black and Brown folx. He openly supports White supremacy and told the hate group Proud Boys to “stand back and stand by.” Emboldened by his comments, the Proud Boys incorporated the message into their logo. Since that exclamation by Trump, a counter movement by gay men taking over the Proud Boys hashtag has infuriated the American terrorist group.

Loofbourow also wrote, “The defining quality of the abusive father is the abuse. Like most such men, Trump finds the very idea of equality humiliating. He can only abide supremacy. And he makes it clear that if he doesn’t get his way, he will hurt you – however he can, using whomever he can. Nazis, Proud Boys – it doesn’t matter. As long as they’re on his side, he’ll use them against you.”

Outright refusing to denounce White supremacy can be likened to emotional neglect. In short, emotional neglect can be understood as a parent/caregiver’s failing to see and hear (and attunement at a deeper level, through empathic resonance) who their child is and what their child needs. Instead, the parent projects onto the child what and who they want them to be. The parent is incapable of meeting the child where the child is emotionally and the child suffers; oftentimes minimizing and denying the needs they had in the first place. Furthermore, emotional neglect is a lack of a safe structure, boundaries, and reliable/reasonable rules. With these boundaries and structures in place, it is more likely that a sense of financial, emotional, and physical safety are present. Trump is refusing to protect Black and Brown folx, refusing to acknowledge their plight, and thus neglecting them emotionally. The phrase Black Lives Matter is the bare minimum one can say about another person. That they “matter.” And he cannot even utter those basic words about other human beings. Comedian Michael Che sums it up well here.

Not only is Trump practicing emotional neglect in the BLM arena, but in terms of basic necessities as well! For instance, health insurance. He and his supporters want to do away with the Affordable Care Act which would leave millions – primarily people who are poor and Black or Brown – without any insurance. That’s on top of the numerous people who already don’t have health insurance. Trump and his followers seem to want to keep adding to that statistic. Folx with a pre-existing condition (which, let’s be real, is almost everyone) would suffer greatly. The anxiety that comes with not knowing if your basic need of healthcare will be tended to is real. And many people are having great internal challenges as they are forced to sit with the not knowing. It is sometimes a life or death situation and it is always a threat to the integrity of the psyche.

Let’s also not forget how he is handling the economic impact of COVID-19 – cutting off unemployment benefits and leaving millions of people in the lurch, and/or not approving coronavirus aid packages put forth by Democrats. Trump has enacted over and over the abusive father/uncle archetype because it’s clear he doesn’t care about anyone other than himself.

However, when he announced he contracted COVID-19, people were asked to pray for Trump’s good health and recovery. That can be very confusing for people who feel abused by this man and his actions. When someone’s abuser gets sick, all sorts of feelings arise: anger, rage, grief, confusion, pity, and perhaps even joy. Make room for all of your feelings. It is important to do so because that gives you  access to the whole person that you are.

I want to say here it’s a-OK to have any and all feelings about the president contracting the virus. It’s healthy and important to feel your feelings and not repress them. This could be an opportunity for people to more overtly heal from old wounds in childhood that may stem from abusive parents. Deep feelings may emerge. Some ways to move through them are journaling, therapy sessions, conscious body movement, meditation, and restorative yoga. Make space for them. This is an opportunity for deep healing personally and collectively. A quote that may help support this is by environmental Buddhist activist, Joanna Macy:

“The sorrow, grief, and rage you feel is a measure of your humanity and your evolutionary maturity. As your heart breaks open there will be room for the world to heal.”

The country is currently split(ting) and that could trigger emotional reactions from people whose parents divorced, those who stayed together but were dysfunctional, those who had one parent physically present but emotionally absent, and a plethora of other trauma experienced. The turmoil going on in the U.S. can trigger all sorts of childhood wounds and the upside to that is when wounds are brought out of the unconscious and into consciousness they can be healed.

It’s tempting to look for a “savior,” to want to be “rescued” when abused, which we as a nation are currently enduring. Instead of looking for a “perfect” president, we need a “good enough president.” That’s a play on a phrase and concept developed by Dr. Donald Winnicott, a pediatrician and parent-infant therapist/psychoanalyst who advocated being a “good-enough mother” instead of a perfect one. 

He wrote: “The good-enough mother ... starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds, she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure. Her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps them adapt to external realities.”

The concept of “good enough” has already been extrapolated out in the business world, particularly in the software industry. In fact, ethernet, internet protocol, and the world wide web were all built on the principle. The “good enough” concept advocates improving while doing, learning from failure, coping with complexity, and adjusting to human foible.

Will we have a perfect president in 2021? Absolutely not, but I’d settle for a good enough one, meaning someone who makes an effort to improve, who learns from failures, and just in general cares about others. If the current state of affairs has been an opportunity for hard feelings and unresolved trauma to come to the fore, please reach out to trusted supports, set up a meeting with a mental health professional, and create space for the whole person that you are.

For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.

References

Brown Abram. “The Proud Boys Are Furious That Gay Men Have Taken Over #ProudBoys On Twitter.” Forbes. October 4, 2020. https://www.forbes.com/sites/abrambrown/2020/10/04/the-proud-boys-are-furious-that-gay-men-have-taken-over-proudboys-on-twitter/#3faa6cb32aaf

“Five shocking passages in Mary Trump's tell-all book.” BBC News. July 14, 2020. https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-53328654

Loofbourow Lili. “Donald Trump Is America’s Abusive Father.” Slate. September 30, 2020. https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2020/09/donald-trump-americas-abusive-father.html

Ratnapalan Savithiri; Batty Helen. “To be good enough.” Can Fam Physician. March 2009; 55(3): 239-240. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2654842/#b4-0550239

Williams Michelle. “‘Stand back and stand by;’ Proud Boys feature President Trump’s remarks during debate in new logo.” Mass Live. September 30, 2020. https://www.masslive.com/news/2020/09/stand-back-and-stand-by-proud-boys-feature-president-trumps-remarks-during-debate-in-new-logo.html

Winnicott DW. “Transitional objects and transitional phenomena; A study of the first not-me possession.” Int J Psychoanal. 1953;34(2):89–97. 

Winnicott DW. “Mirror-role of the mother and family in child development.” In: Lomas P, editor. The predicament of the family: a psycho-analytical symposium. London, UK: Hogarth Press; 1967. pp. 26-33.