How to Prioritize Self-Care During the Holiday Season
By: Dr. Denise Renye
When people feel stressed and overwhelmed, they often stop doing the very things that will support them. They drop the yoga class, dinner with friends, or going for a walk. If they’re in therapy, they may also cancel their appointment thinking this will free up some time for them when it feels busy. But this may be the very thing needed to feel centered during this time. There is an old Zen saying, “You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you're too busy, then you should sit for an hour.”
The trend of not prioritizing self-care becomes especially acute during the holiday season when there are even more stressors than usual. I want people to do what’s best for them but in my experience as a Marin psychologist and online sex therapist, this time of year is precisely when therapy becomes most important.
Issues may arise at other times of the year, of course, but the holidays tend to exacerbate issues simmering beneath the surface. If you’re lonely, the holidays may make you feel lonelier because you don’t have anyone to celebrate with or anyone you actually wish to celebrate with. Sometimes, being in a room full of people without feeling emotionally connected can evoke a deeper sense of loneliness than being physically alone yet emotionally distant from others. It may seem like the answer is to find someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve but that will merely paper over the underlying issues, which are likely the desire for stability, comfort, safety, and perhaps a consistent feeling of being loved.
As I wrote about previously, the fear of being alone can reflect unprocessed trauma, possibly attachment wounding. That can’t be solved by “finding the one.” But if a person is in a relationship that yields a deeper intimate connection, mutual growth and healing can occur either through the high-level skills that each partner has or through couples therapy. If the attachment wounding is worked through in therapy, whether that’s online sex therapy or something else, it can lead to profound healing, improved communication, and a strengthened emotional bond. This creates a foundation for a more secure and fulfilling relationship. Also, therapy during this time when these feelings are “up” can be especially fruitful because you’re closer to the wound and ripe for support.
Let’s say you’re in partnership or aren’t afraid of being alone for the holidays. Maybe what’s happening is you’re finding yourself weepy this time of the year or lamenting that your family isn’t close-knit. That makes sense. Given the number of happy family depictions, it’s easy to believe everyone else’s family is healthy, functional, and loving. First, remember you’re likely seeing an idealized version and not the full picture. Also, processing this in therapy can be very fruitful for long-term life satisfaction.
It’s when you’re feeling activated that therapy can feel more powerful. That’s because it’s the body that holds trauma and so when painful memories or feelings are surfacing, your body is primed for a new experience that you can engage with (or not). During therapy, you’re giving your mind and body a felt sense of safety. The therapist and you are co-creating a container for deeper exploration and processing of your feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, grief, and beyond.
It's in therapy where raw and potentially confusing experiences are metabolized so they become understandable and usable. The therapist is there, with you, supporting you to process what has happened in your life, whether it was when you were a child, an adolescent, or an adult. That means you’re viewing what happened in a different way and perhaps for the first time feeling feelings that up until now remained unfelt.
When you’re stressed and overwhelmed, that’s when your brain and body need that feeling of safety and care the most. With that sense of safety, you can navigate the holiday season in a new way. Instead of continuing to enact the same old patterns, you have the potential to birth something new. In that way, the holiday season can be how you desire it to be because you are inching closer to the life of your dreams where you’re resilient, supported, and a healthy, functioning adult. How do you prioritize self-care during the holiday season? Continue going to therapy, maintain your meditation and other spiritual practices, and keep connections with friends and groups that support your growth.
If you're seeking personalized support to navigate holiday stress or to work on deeper emotional health, I’m available for online (and in-person) sex therapy, depth psychotherapy, and holistic coaching. Click here to schedule an appointment.