Using Eye Gazing to Deepen Intimacy

By: Dr. Denise Renye

There are many expressions of the self and connection through sex – outer play (nothing penetrative), kinky play, non-emotionally connected, playful, penetrative, spiritually attuned, and deeply intimate…to name just a few. No type is better than another. There is no hierarchy, no judgment. Each type of sex is different and more than fine, as long as all parties involved enthusiastically agree. And if you’re looking to connect more deeply with your partner, there are simple ways of exploring together that may enhance the connection. This is the first of a blog series that will introduce some sex therapy techniques found in an article by Dr. Harrison Voigt.

First off, how well do you know yourself and your body? What’s that relationship like within you? Getting in touch with your body’s needs and wants has the potential to dramatically increase your satisfaction levels. If you’re not in touch with your body, you have less of a chance of knowing what you like and what you don’t like. Furthermore, you can use your body to access your unconscious, which can help you live a more whole, integrated life. I wrote my doctoral research on this topic and you can read about it here.

So many people are not in touch with their bodies, or they don’t know where to start in terms of improving their relationship with it. Embodiment, or connection with the body, is definitely something that can be learned. One place to begin is by learning about mindful eating and cultivating a contemplative practice. In the quiet, still moments, your body gives you information: “I want this, I don’t want that. I want to move more, I want to rest, etc.” If you’re moving at warp speed, you won’t hear those messages. Cultivating a practice of slowing down, turning inward to create space to explore the internal landscape, allows for the relationship with the body to increase. And healthy, satisfying relationships require time, patience, listening, inquiring, and learning about – all in unhurried and respectful ways.

Another way to become more in touch with yourself is to look in the mirror. Literally. Not look in the mirror to assess your appearance, but look in the mirror to spend time with yourself. Eye gazing is a practice and it takes time, like any other practice, to cultivate. It may feel uncomfortable at first but you can learn so much about the most important person in your life: you. And the more you learn about yourself, the more you’ll be able to authentically connect with others both sexually and non-sexually.

How to Eye Gaze

Starting any practice slowly and with intention is important. Begin by setting your alarm for 1 minute and be sure to pay closer attention to detail: choose a pleasant sound for the ending notification, if you can. It can be jarring to your nervous system to hear a loud clanging after such an intimate practice. Commit to eye gazing for at least three days in a row to start so you can get a true sense of the practice. Also leave space after the gazing for jotting down feelings, thoughts, and sensations that arose during your time looking into your eyes.

Once you have your mirror (either handheld or a large one you can sit in front of), a journal, and your timer, you’re ready. Settle in. Find your eyes in the mirror and with curiosity, look at them. How do they look? Do you have flecks in your eyes? What color are they? How big are your pupils? Your irises? How deep do your eyes go? Stay present with any feelings, thoughts, and sensations coming up for you as you look in your eyes.

When the timer sounds, pull out your paper and start journaling or letting the pencil(s) find their way around the paper as you draw. Record anything that came to you as an image, words, colors, or body experiences. Once you have some facility with the practice, increase your time, gradually. Increase to 3 minutes only after you feel comfortable and you feel  you have emotionally mastered 1 minute. It may take 1 week or 1 month or even 1 year. There is no rush and once judgment starts creeping in, please reassure yourself that you are engaging in your practice and there are no rules about this. Like a focusing or meditation practice, increase the time (5 minutes, then 7, then 10) as you intuitively feel it’s time. And then when you’re ready, try gazing into the eyes of your lover.

Eye Gazing with a Lover

Eye gazing with a lover or partner is a powerful tool that can increase intimacy and a deeper union, just as you learned can happen within yourself. A very important note, I don’t recommend eye gazing with a person that’s abusive or if there’s a question about the healthiness of the relationship. If you’re unclear whether your relationship falls into that category, read my post on signs of an abusive relationship.

If you’re in a relationship that feels safe and healthy, where you both respect each other’s boundaries, have open emotional communication together, and are interested in deepening your intimacy, experiment with eye gazing. Try intentionally looking first at your partner or lover’s eyes for one minute. As you look at their eyes, begin following the same process you took when you looked at your own: notice the colors, any flecks, the pupils, the iris, etc. As time moves along, begin to deepen that looking and move from looking at their eyes, to looking into their eyes. What do you see? What do you feel? Is your heart rate increasing? Do you feel comfortable and at ease? Is there excitement in your belly? Is there a smile picking up the corners of your mouth slowly? Is there a gentle resting you feel in your face muscles? What might you see beyond their eyes? Spend some time after the agreed upon amount of gazing (1 minute to start) to discuss how that was for each of you. When you’re ready, gradually increase the time.

Do you want to go even deeper with your partner or lover? Experience even more intimacy? Try looking into their eyes throughout all phases of a sexual exchange. We receive many socio-cultural messages to cut ourselves off from the flow of intimacy that is available during a sexual exchange. Make room for this type of eye gazing to feel anything from awkward and uncomfortable to relief at  being able to see and be seen, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Cultural messages tend to reinforce eyes-closed intimacy.

You’re exploring something new and unfamiliar. All sorts of internal experiences are bound to arise. Have patience with yourself and embody a sense of surrender. It is key to cultivating and maintaining this practice. You’re letting go of preconceived notions regarding intimacy, yourself, and your partner/lover. The more that you can hold curiosity and acceptance of whatever arises, the more enjoyable (and intimate!) this practice will be.

As a certified sexologist and sex therapist, I’m here to help folx experience greater satisfaction in their sexual lives by offering suggestions and practices. If you have concerns about your sex life, let’s talk about it.

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.

For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.

References

Harrison Voigt (1991) Enriching the sexual experience of couples: The asian traditions and sexual counseling, Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 17:3, 214-219, DOI: 10.1080/00926239108404345