Eye gazing for Beginners
By: Dr. Denise Renye
As an online sex therapist, introducing eye gazing as an exercise can deepen intimacy not only with a partner but with yourself. The word intimacy can be deconstructed as “into me see” and that’s exactly what you’re doing with eye gazing. You are fully present with another person (or yourself), without any agenda or judgment, simply engaging with them. In many cultures, staring is seen as impolite. However, eye gazing is different. It is a purposeful, intentional practice that may appear like staring on the surface but is rooted in a deeper, more profound sense of connection.
As with any practice, including eye gazing consent is important. You are seeking explicit permission to look into the eyes of another or yourself. If you’re eye gazing alone, it might feel unusual, but consent is important – is your body and mind ready and willing to engage in this practice? If not, the experience can become uncomfortable in a way that doesn’t promote growth and may instead produce a shutdown response. That said, eye gazing is a practice and for beginners especially it will likely stretch their comfort zones.
What you’re doing as you eye gaze is slowing down, which can feel challenging in a society that encourages moving at warp speed. Eye gazing with yourself or another cultivates patience, listening, inquiring, and learning about the person you see in an unhurried and respectful way. All of that can lead to a healthier, more satisfying, and intimate relationship. Are you ready to try eye gazing? If so, read through my tips as an experienced online sex therapist.
How to Eye Gaze with Yourself
Materials: A handheld or large mirror, timer, journal, and pen(cil)
1. Start slowly and with intention.
2. Set your alarm for 1 minute and choose a pleasant sound for the ending notification, if you can. It can be jarring to your nervous system to hear a loud clanging after such an intimate practice.
3. Commit to eye gazing for at least three days in a row to start so you can get a true sense of the practice. Also leave space after the gazing for jotting down feelings, thoughts, and sensations that arose looking into your eyes.
4. Settle in. Find your eyes in the mirror and with curiosity, gaze at them. How do they look? Do you have flecks in your eyes? What color are they? How big are your pupils? Your irises? How deep do your eyes go? Stay present with any feelings, thoughts, and sensations coming up for you as you look in your eyes.
5. When the timer sounds, pull out your paper and start journaling or letting the pencil(s) find their way around the paper as you draw. Record anything that came to you as an image, words, colors, or body experiences.
6. Once you have some facility with eye gazing, increase your time, gradually. Increase to 3 minutes only after you’re comfortable and only once you’ve emotionally mastered 1 minute. If you’d like, continue to increase the time beyond 3 minutes in increments that feel good to you (1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes, etc.).
This process may take one week or one month or even one year. There is no rush and if judgment arises, remember you are engaging in a practice that’s yours and there are no rules about this. You’re doing something for you and there is no “right” way or “wrong” way.
Once you feel ready, you can eye gaze with a partner.
How to Eye Gaze with a Lover
Eye gazing with a lover or partner is a powerful practice that can deepen intimacy and strengthen the bond between you, much like the profound connection you can experience within yourself through solo eye gazing. However, it's important to note that eye gazing should not be attempted with someone who is abusive or in a relationship where there are concerns about its emotional health, as eye gazing requires mutual trust and safety to be truly effective. If you’re unclear whether your relationship falls into that category, read my post on signs of an abusive relationship.
If you’re in a relationship that feels safe and healthy, where you both respect each other’s boundaries, have open emotional communication together, and are interested in deepening your intimacy, experiment with eye gazing.
Materials: A partner, timer, journal, and pen(cil)
1. Start slowly and with intention.
2. Set your alarm for 1 minute and choose a pleasant sound for the ending notification, if you can. It can be jarring to your nervous system to hear a loud clanging after such an intimate practice.
3. Commit to eye gazing for at least three days in a row to start so you can get a true sense of the practice. Also leave space after the gazing for jotting down feelings, thoughts, and sensations that arose during eye gazing.
4. Settle in. Look at your partner’s eyes with curiosity. How do they look? Do they have flecks? What color are their eyes? How big are their pupils? Their irises? How deep do their eyes go? Stay present with any feelings, thoughts, and sensations coming up for you as you look into their eyes.
5. Start to do more than look at your partner’s eyes and look into them. What do you see? What do you feel? Is your heart rate increasing? Do you feel comfortable and at ease? Is there excitement in your belly? Is there a smile picking up the corners of your mouth slowly? Is there a gentle resting you feel in your face muscles? What might you see beyond their eyes?
6. When the timer sounds, pull out your paper and start journaling or letting the pencil(s) find their way around the paper as you draw. Record anything that came to you as an image, words, colors, or body experiences. Share your reflections with your partner.
7. Once you have some facility with eye gazing, increase your time, gradually. Increase to 3 minutes only after you’re comfortable and only once you’ve emotionally mastered 1 minute. If you’d like, continue to increase the time beyond 3 minutes in increments that feel good to you.
Remember you’re exploring something new and unfamiliar. All sorts of internal experiences are bound to arise. Have patience with yourself and embody a sense of surrender, which is key to cultivating and maintaining this practice. You’re letting go of preconceived notions regarding intimacy, yourself, and your partner/lover. The more that you can hold curiosity and acceptance of whatever arises, the more enjoyable (and intimate!) this practice will be.
If you’d like more support with eye gazing, or help with your romantic life or partnership in general, as an online sex therapist, I’m available. I also see people in person at my Fairfax, CA office. Reach out today to schedule an appointment.
