The Hidden form of Incest: Enmeshment
By: Dr. Denise Renye
For some people, inner child play means discovering the child that has remained hidden for many years. Some people wish they could turn back the clock and be a kid again because they have an idyllic view of childhood. They remember the joy of being young when the world was filled with wonder, play, and creativity. However, some other people can’t relate to that idea at all because their childhood was less than idyllic.
Some folx grew up too soon and were forced to be adults before they were ready. This happens for a variety of reasons and one of those reasons is covert incest, also known as enmeshment. Enmeshment occurs when a parent or caregiver looks to their child for emotional support and psychological validation. In other words, there aren’t strong boundaries within the family. And those strong boundaries are necessary for the safety of the child. They are also necessary for the safety of the parent’s psyche but the child’s psyche is really negatively affected.
A boundary is an imaginary line that separates you from another person, place, thing, activity, or process. Think of it not only in terms of separating you physically from another person, but also delineating your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Boundaries also communicate how you do and don’t want others to treat you as well as what type of situation you desire to be in. (People aren’t mind readers so you communicate your preferences either by letting their behavior slide or by saying, “That isn’t OK with me.”)
Enmeshed relationships don’t honor boundaries, or honor some boundaries and not others. These relationships are too close emotionally and physically. The adult(s) aren’t clear about what to share with their child(ren) and what to hold back. For instance, sharing marital problems with a child and expecting them to take sides is an example of enmeshment. Another is the presence of little to no privacy. A parent feeling and acting upon thinking that they have entitlement over their child’s possessions, room, feelings, or bodily integrity are all examples of enmeshment.
These sorts of relationships are fairly prevalent and easily overlooked because they’re celebrated for being “close.” One example is the hit TV show Gilmore Girls. The show centers around the mother-daughter relationship of Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. The show is much beloved and people often praise how close these two are but are they too close?
Lorelai expects Rory to share everything with her, including things that most teenagers want to keep private, such as their sex lives. Lorelai outright asks Rory to inform her when she plans to lose her virginity and when she does, Rory apologizes to Lorelai for not discussing the decision with her first, even though Rory is a young adult and living away from home.
There’s another scene when Rory goes off to college and chastises Lorelai for “making” her miss her so much. The feeling is mutual and Lorelai and Rory count the nights they're apart. Rory doesn’t know how to operate as an adult without her mother because Lorelai has been there every step of the way; not as a supporting figure, but as a crutch.
Because enmeshed relationships are praised in our society, it can be hard to recognize the wounding that occurs with them. Children from enmeshed backgrounds may grow up and struggle with self-esteem, boundaries, and healthy relationships. They may feel unsettled unless they talk to their parent(s) or caregiver(s) about every situation and concern.
They may struggle to make decisions or frequently put their parent(s) or caregiver(s) first because they don’t know how to operate individually. It’s something that must be learned and oftentimes there’s an intergenerational aspect of this scene that is unhealed and a major player. However, it’s important for kids to individuate from their parents or caregivers, to become their own person. It’s a necessary part of being a healthy, functional adult. And many adults haven’t done this work. Remember, it’s never too late.
If you come from an enmeshed background, inner child play may be incredibly healing because it provides you an opportunity to explore in a way that you did not as an actual child. Your tender ones inside can freely express what they want and don’t want without worrying it will upset the adults in charge.
Inner child play may also mean giving your inner children the opportunity to say “no” now. You may have years of “no” stored up that has gone unexpressed: “No, I don’t want to hear about your sex life. No, I don’t want to take care of you if you’re depressed. No, I don’t want to tell you what I’m thinking.”
Remember, it’s never too late to relive your childhood, no matter how old you are.
Journal prompts
· Imagine yourself in front of your parent with whom you have historically been enmeshed. What would you say to them? Write it out. You won’t send this or possibly, you won’t even share it but write it out to give yourself a chance to speak.
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