Straightwashing Real-Life Relationships

By: Dr. Denise Renye

In Hollywood, “straightwashing” refers to the assimilation of someone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, or other, to fit heterosexual cultural norms. For instance, a known gay character like Paul in Breakfast at Tiffany’s is made into a heterosexual man to fit in with the 1960s Motion Picture Production Code (in other words, censorship). Paul is "very much a reflection of Truman Capote himself," a gay man, and his relationship with party girl Holly Golightly is "decidedly platonic” in the novella the movie is based on but not in the movie itself.

That’s a problem for numerous reasons but what’s interesting to me is that straightwashing is not relegated to Hollywood. When someone gets into a man-woman relationship, people default to calling it a heterosexual one or believing both parties are heterosexual. It may look that way on the outside, but is it? What if one or both people are bisexual, pansexual, or identify in a way other than hetero? What if one or both people are trans?

During Pride month especially, it’s important to have space for folx who identify as queer to not be erased. That includes within the relationship itself. For instance, if one person is heterosexual and the other is not, the relationship is still queer. Jenny Eastwood writes in a Medium article that:

“Since coming out so much of my identity has been tied to my sexuality and the queer community; I have worked my whole life to be comfortable, confident and proud of my queerness. Now though, for the first time ever I have a serious boyfriend and I’m not sure how to move through the world as a straight-presenting woman. All I’ve ever known is the ‘otherness’ that comes with being a minority.

“I’m extremely happy in my relationship, it’s healthy, loving and balanced. A year ago I never would have thought I would end up with a man but here we are. Things are great but there is one thing weighing heavily on my mind: how do I reconcile my queer identity with my straight presenting relationship?

“In theory, being a bisexual woman in a relationship of any gender composition should be a celebration of the fluidity and nuances of sexuality. In reality, I’m caught in this awkward limbo of not quite fitting into either world; I’m not sure how to be comfortable and feel seen in a queer space OR in a heterosexual space. Imposter syndrome rears its ugly head no matter where I go.”

To have a relationship perceived as heterosexual can be invalidating because years of struggle, and pride, associated with being queer are erased. Ariane Resnick points to this too in her essay as a bisexual woman in a relationship with a trans man when she writes:

“Both of us acknowledge that at times, we have been judgmental – internally if not vocally – when we’ve seen what we assumed to be straight, cis couples at queer clubs or events. We assumed they were taking up that small amount of space that belonged to the queer community, and we may have been wrong that those couples were different than we are. You never know how someone identifies before asking them, and we both acknowledge that we have probably assumed other straight, cis appearing couples to be so when they may actually not have been. It’s taught me a lot about those snap judgments everyone makes about strangers, and how inaccurate they tend to be.”

It's not my place to label your relationships, but nor is it the place of anyone not in the relationship. What I’m getting at here is that old axiom you’ve likely heard: “Don’t assume because that makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.’” If you see a hetero-appearing couple on the street, in the grocery store, or anywhere else, make a mental note to not straightwash them because truly, you have no idea what someone’s sexuality is until they tell you.

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References

Eastwood, Jenny. “Being Queer in a ‘Straight’ Relationship.” June 22, 2019. https://medium.com/@jennyveastwood/being-queer-in-a-straight-relationship-f97eb240a7af

Renner, Rebecca. “Was Holly Golightly Bisexual?” The Paris Review. December 21, 2018. https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/12/21/was-holly-golightly-bisexual/

Resnick, Ariane. “Queer: It’s a Complex Experience.” Byrdie. August 2, 2021. https://www.byrdie.com/queer-relationship-essay-5189885