A Sex Therapist explains Relationship Surrogacy

By: Dr. Denise Renye

There are so many ways that the body communicates with the mind, in relationship, and with the world. General and very common concerns that show up as negative body image, intimacy issues, sexual anxiety, erectile dysfunction, or vaginismus are  incredible examples of how our bodies are such miraculous communicators. These are just a few issues that can benefit from surrogate partner therapy.

Surrogate partner therapy includes the use of services of a surrogate partner (who works in close consultation with the referred client/patient and the psychologist or psychotherapist who’s said client/patient is in treatment with) to help the client gain a deeper understanding of themselves and any challenges they are having in their sexual life, which also includes issues related to partnership, relationship, dating, and communication of desires, wants, and needs. Sexual issues are not limited to sex and instead fall into at least five circles of sexuality.   

Pioneered by Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson, the surrogate works with the client in structured and unstructured experiences designed to build the client’s self-awareness and skills. The experiences could be in the realm of relaxation, effective communication, sensual and sexual touching, or social skills training. It’s critical to note these sessions take place with certified professionals and are designed to support the client in their relational and sexual journey. Partner surrogacy is a profession that requires training, supervision, internship, and certification. The surrogate models and engages in every stage of a relationship from start to finish with openness and honesty. The client’s responses then inform the therapist and offer an invitation for growth.

Studying and earning my master’s degree in human sexuality from Widener University, I had the privilege and unique experience of directly meeting and learning from a wide variety of sexuality professionals. In this two-year immersive program, I met partner surrogates and heard firsthand from field professionals what the profession is, how it can help deepen a therapeutic treatment, and even what it takes to go through the training to become a professional. It is a profession that is often misunderstood.

For example, many wonder if or how surrogate partner therapy is legal. Back in 1997 when Kamala Harris was in Alameda County’s district attorney office, she stated, “If it’s between consensual adults and referred by licensed therapists and doesn’t involve minors, then it’s not illegal.”

The International Professional Surrogates Association (IPSA) says:

“The legal status of surrogate partners is undefined in most of the United States and in most countries around the world. This means that there are generally no laws regulating the profession. Because there is no governmental licensing or regulation of surrogate partners, IPSA has assumed the responsibility of assuring the therapeutic community and the public that IPSA members have received adequate training, achieved professional competency, and adhere to the highest standards of ethical practice.”

“IPSA established a code of ethics, outlining a surrogate’s responsibilities within the therapeutic program, in order to foster the highest professional standards among surrogates. IPSA certified Surrogate Partners are committed to honoring the ethical principles outlined and implied in the IPSA Code of Ethics.”

Otherwise, major psychological associations generally don’t have an official stance on surrogate partner therapy.

As a psychologist and sexologist, I tend to work fairly often in conjunction with partner surrogates. Just like any therapeutic service and therapist, there are well trained and skilled ones and there are ones that I simply would not be comfortable referring to. The triad between myself, the surrogate, and the patient is one that provides a firm holding structure for transformation to unfold. The surrogate works in a direct hands-on fashion with the patient, and the therapeutic work with me (not hands-on) provides a solid container for integration of that direct work. It is a unique experience that helps the client potentially have a transformative experience and integration of the whole self.

If you’re interested in surrogate partner therapy, get in touch and subscribe to my newsletter to hear more about these and other topics. To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.

References

IPSA. “Legal and Ethical Status.” www.surrogatetherapy.org. https://www.surrogatetherapy.org/legal-status. Accessed June 9, 2021.

Renye, Dr. Denise. “A Sexologist’s Perspective on Sexuality.” Goodtherapy.org. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/Sexologists-Perspective-Sexuality. December 4, 2020.

Unknown. “Sex Surrogate Says Her Mission is to Help the Dysfunctional.” San Jose Mercury News. https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1454&dat=19971004&id=lLIsAAAAIBAJ&sjid=VxUEAAAAIBAJ&pg=6947,1133380. October 4, 1997.