What to Do When ‘Success’ isn’t Enough
By: Dr. Denise Renye
In the U.S., and many parts of the world, the winter holidays are the most intense period of consumerism that also coincide with flaunting one idea of what it means to be successful: lots of money and acclaim. This idea about success has a place – it can yield material gain, creation of a family, getting degrees or advancements in one’s trade or career. It’s important. However, at some point in life, people find that something may be missing. And when they’ve looked outside and did not find the missing “thing,” the last place they may think to look is inside, which may be exactly where they’ll find what they’re looking for. It isn’t for the faint of heart, however.
In my practice, folx work hard and go far in their careers – be it in tech, business, or medicine – and they experience material gain. They find their way to me because of that sense that something’s missing. It’s not only my patients and clients, it’s also people like actor Will Smith. In a recent NY Times Magazine interview he said, “Strategizing about being the biggest movie star in the world – that is all completely over. I realized that in order to enjoy my time here and in order to be helpful, it’s much more about self-examination. I want to take roles where I get to look at myself, where I get to look at my family, I get to look at ideas that are important to me. Everything in my life is more centered on spiritual growth and elevation.”
This coming from the same man who once said he wanted to be a bigger movie star than Tom Cruise. Whereas before Smith focused on name and fame, now he seems to understand there’s more to life than being a household name. Now he is going inward. It reminds me of a Ted Talk by Sister True Dedication, a Zen Buddhist nun from Plum Village who says, “If we haven't yet changed our way of living, it's because the awakening isn't strong enough. We can't hope to change the world if we can't change our own way of seeing things, our consciousness.”
She adds that, “In the Zen tradition, we know that awakening doesn't happen only with the intellect. We need to engage our whole being right in the heart of the present moment.”
The process of depth therapy is that awakening that engages the whole being. It’s not for the timid. It is often uncomfortable and goes against the path of least resistance, which would be to continue living solely from the worldview of materialism. Materialism says only matter matters, that material goods are what people should focus on. That’s not what depth therapy is. Instead, depth therapy requires time, commitment to the process, consistency, and reliability in order to nurture inner growth.
A way to tend to inner growth is by cultivating a spiritual practice and that can also include asking yourself the following three questions:
· Who am I?
· Where am I?
· What do I want and why?
Who is the person reading this blogpost? Who is doing the reading? Do you recognize that in fact you are you, but also more than you? You are an entire lineage of parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and ancestors stretching back thousands of years. You carry all of those people with you (as evidenced by epigenetics) and that means not only ancestral DNA that is biological, , but also their emotional DNA, strengths and weaknesses, their hopes and fears.
As you get in touch with your identity, where are you? Not only in this galaxy, this solar system, this planet, this country, but in your body. Do you feel at home in yourself? Are you relaxed? Or are you tense, bracing for something? Where are you and how does it feel? If you feel tension, let go of it with this meditation.
Lastly, what do you want and why? Why do you want that new iPhone or promotion at work? What do you think it will give you? I suspect the answer is “happiness” or “peace.” And at the same time, as Sister True Dedication says, “Life is there for us, but the question is, are we there for life?”
Being “there for life” means contributing something positive, acting from a place of love. It means simultaneously taking care of yourself as well as others. To go back to Will Smith, he said, “One of the most important things to me during this process is, I want to make sure that [my co-stars] Aunjanue Ellis and Saniyya and Demi are elevated and the world sees their work. I’m not looking for people to clap for me. I have two young actresses that this is their first time around on this level. I want them to feel loved and protected. I want Aunjanue to get her flowers. That is where my attention is in this process versus my attention being on box office or awards.”
How can you bring attention to the process and go within to find what you seek? You might be surprised by what awaits you.
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References
Hoke, Carlie. “The Advice Arnold Schwarzenegger Gave Will Smith When He Was Trying To Get More Famous Than Tom Cruise.” Cinema Blend. November 26, 2021. https://www.cinemablend.com/movies/the-advice-arnold-schwarzenegger-gave-will-smith-when-he-was-trying-to-get-more-famous-than-tom-cruise
Marchese, David. “Will Smith is Done Trying to be Perfect.” New York Times Magazine. December 9, 2021. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/09/magazine/will-smith-interview.html
Sister True Dedication. “3 Questions to Build Resilience – and Change the World.” Ted Talks. October 2021. https://www.ted.com/talks/sister_true_dedication_3_questions_to_build_resilience_and_change_the_world?utm_source=tedcomshare&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=tedspread