How Patriarchy Spans Genders and Shows Up Relationally
by Dr. Denise Renye
We live in a world that often insists on binaries—good or bad, strong or weak, masculine or feminine, man or woman. But human experience isn’t binary. It’s layered, nuanced, fluid. So when we talk about patriarchy, we need to move beyond binary thinking, too.
Patriarchy isn’t just a system that privileges men over women. It’s a larger structure—an invisible framework—that shapes how all of us relate. It tells us what’s acceptable, desirable, or powerful, and it assigns us roles based on outdated, oppressive ideas of what strength, care, success, and intimacy should look like.
It affects everyone: women, men, nonbinary and trans people, and anyone who has ever been told to act smaller, tougher, quieter, or more in control than they actually feel. And it doesn’t just live in individuals. It lives in relationships.
Patriarchy Teaches Us Scripts, Not Connection
At its core, patriarchy values power over presence. It teaches us to relate through control, hierarchy, and rigidity rather than through curiosity, vulnerability, and collaboration. It hands us roles to perform instead of inviting us into relationships where we can be seen and met as our full selves.
No matter our gender, we’re impacted:
Masculine-identified people may feel trapped in stoicism, expected to suppress their inner world to prove their strength.
Feminine-identified people may feel burdened by constant emotional labor, expected to self-abandon to maintain harmony.
Nonbinary and gender-expansive folks are often pressured to conform to binary gender norms in systems that were never designed to hold their truth.
These aren’t just personal struggles—they’re relational consequences of a culture that still runs on outdated scripts.
How Patriarchy Shows Up in Relationships
Patriarchy doesn’t just shape individuals—it distorts intimacy.
It conditions us to think of relationships in terms of control, obligation, or performance. For example:
One partner is expected to lead, while the other is expected to follow.
Emotional unavailability is mistaken for maturity.
Care becomes transactional: “I did this, so you should do that.”
Conflict is avoided or escalated, but rarely held with presence.
Even in the most loving relationships, we may unconsciously reenact dynamics rooted in power-over instead of power-with.
These dynamics are not our fault, but they are our responsibility—especially if we want to co-create something different.
Internalized Patriarchy: The Voice Inside
The most dangerous aspect of patriarchy may not be external—it’s the way we’ve internalized it.
It becomes the voice that says:
“Don’t need so much.”
“Don’t be too emotional.”
“Don’t rest—you haven’t earned it.”
“Be strong. Be desirable. Be useful.”
Even healing can be co-opted by patriarchal logic, turning our personal growth into another productivity project—something to perfect, prove, or monetize.
But healing is not a performance. It’s a return to our full humanity.
Unlearning Patriarchy Is Relational Work
To untangle ourselves from patriarchy is to reclaim mutuality, presence, and self-trust—within and between us. This doesn’t mean discarding all structure or roles, but it does mean noticing where those roles are running us, instead of being conscious choices that serve connection.
Unlearning patriarchal patterns looks like:
Centering consent—not just sexually, but emotionally and energetically.
Validating all emotions as messengers, not liabilities.
Letting go of the idea that only one person’s needs or voice gets to take up space.
Practicing intimacy that honors autonomy and interdependence, rather than control or collapse.
This is deep relational work. And it’s also cultural work—because every time we practice a new way of being with ourselves or each other, we begin to dismantle the system from the inside out.
The Invitation
Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I get it right?”—try asking:
What parts of me were shaped by systems that didn’t reflect my truth?
What roles am I still performing to feel safe, loved, or in control?
What might connection feel like if it weren’t rooted in hierarchy, pressure, or shame?
Unlearning patriarchy isn’t about blaming a gender—it’s about reclaiming our capacity to relate in more liberated, life-giving ways.
Because when we dismantle the systems within us, we begin to reshape the systems around us. And that’s how real change begins—not through ideology alone, but through intimacy, embodiment, and the daily practice of showing up differently.
And that shifts the culture.