An Invitation as You Navigate the Israel-Palestine Conflict

An Invitation as You Navigate the Israel-Palestine Conflict

By: Dr. Denise Renye

The Israel-Palestine conflict is top of mind for many of us, my patients and clients included. That makes sense given not only news coverage but also events here in the U.S. There have been pro-Palestinian and pro-Israel protests in New York, LA, and Chicago. Nearly 50 Jewish activists were arrested during a White House sit-in as they pushed for a ceasefire. 

What this strife hits at is the desire to belong. We all have an emotional need for interpersonal relationships, affiliating, connectedness, and group participation. Belonging is more than just being acquainted with other people – it’s about gaining acceptance, attention, and support from others and giving it in return.

Belonging makes us feel good and it’s why we divide into groups. But clinging to a group identity can go too far, which is what we’re seeing now with the uptick in violence. We declare this group is good and this group is bad. It’s not only in words but actions – the FBI is tracking increased threats against Jewish and Muslim Americans. And recently a 71-year-old landlord was charged with murder and hate crimes for the fatal stabbing of a 6-year-old Palestinian-American. In New York, a man on a bus attacked a 19-year-old who was wearing a turban and yelled, “We don’t wear that in this country.”

Not only am I supporting people as they process these horrific news stories but in my practice as a Bay Area psychologist and somatic therapist, I’m encouraging people to move beyond their tribalistic instincts and instead hold each other with care. It can be very, very difficult to see friends, family, and strangers have completely opposite viewpoints. It’s a kind of cognitive bias that we assume people think the same way we do. Sometimes they do but sometimes they do not. How do we handle those instances of disagreement?

Lately, it seems the answer is “cut them out.” We’re encouraged to stop talking to people, to prune our social media feeds, and to end friendships over political or ideological differences. By no means do I encourage staying in toxic relationships but is the person really toxic? Or do they just disagree with you? It’s important to reflect on the question and to reflect on it deeply because it may not always be apparent on the surface.

What’s happening extensively these days is a profound lack of empathy. We psychologists call it the intergroup empathy gap and it’s particularly wide among social and ethnic groups. Quite literally in the brain, people don’t experience the pain of “outgroup” members the same way they do for “ingroup” members. There’s an “othering” that happens whereby the humanness of the other person is disregarded.

As you navigate the Israel-Hamas war, I invite you to try an exercise from Jamil Zaki, a professor of psychology at Stanford University and the director of the Stanford Social Neuroscience Lab, on disagreeing better. Instead of yelling, debating, or judging someone who has an ideological difference, try cultivating curiosity. Ask the person how they came to have their opinion and share with them how you came to have yours.

Zaki’s students tried this and expected to have their exchanges end in frustration or tears but their conversations went so much better than that. As Zaki shares on the Happiness Lab podcast, “When you start with narratives, instead of either calling people out or saying how wrong they are, you get to a new type of discussion right away. One in which it actually doesn't matter as much if you agree on every point, but something just as important or maybe even more important happens, which is that they grow to appreciate that people they disagree with are not necessarily bad people. They're just people with different stories than their own.”

When you approach someone from a place of curiosity and understanding, they become less of a monster and more of a human. It’s your choice who you connect with right now. You don’t have to cultivate empathy for other people but I encourage you to embrace nuance. Recognize the conflict in the Middle East is complicated and layered. The temptation to sort yourself into a group is very strong right now but, in the end, we’re all just humans, no matter what group we belong to.

Journal Prompts

• Reflect on a recent interaction with someone you initially perceived as different or challenging. How did approaching them with curiosity and understanding change the dynamic? What did you learn from this experience?

• Think of a situation where you felt compelled to categorize yourself into a specific group or identity. How did this influence your perspective, and what were the implications of this choice? Did it affect your ability to connect with others?

• Explore a current event or global issue that you find complex and layered, much like the conflict in the Middle East. How can you embrace nuance in your understanding of this issue, and why is it essential to do so?

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References

Barnes, Julian E. “F.B.I. Tracks Increased Threats to Jews and Muslims After Hamas Attack.” New York Times. October 15, 2023. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/15/world/middleeast/threats-jewish-muslim-americans-israel-attack.html

Falconer, Rebecca. “49 arrested at White House protest calling for Israel-Hamas cease-fire.” Axios.com. October 17, 2023. https://www.axios.com/2023/10/17/jewish-protest-white-house-israel-hamas-war-arrests

Santia, Marc; Luck, Brad. “19-year-old attacked in Queens while wearing turban in hate crime assault: Police.” NBC News. October 16, 2023. https://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/teen-attacked-in-queens-while-wearing-turban-in-hate-crime-assault-police/4772701/

Santos, Dr. Laurie. “The War for Kindness.” The Happiness Lab Podcast. https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos/the-war-for-kindness

Tareen, Sophia. “Muslim boy killed and woman wounded in Illinois hate crime motivated by Israel-Hamas war, police say.” AP News. October 16, 2023. https://apnews.com/article/muslim-boy-killed-chicago-landlord-will-county-5135dea218326d6e639a996564d9369e

Zaki, Jamil. “Disagree Better.” The War for Kindness. https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos/the-war-for-kindness. Accessed October 17, 2023.