When the Happiest Time of Year Isn’t So Happy

By: Dr. Denise Renye

As I mentioned in a previous post, this time of year can be tough for many folx. We’re presented with idealized versions of families on TV and in movies. If your family doesn’t match up to that image, it can bring up grief. Grief is not an experience most cultures have tools and capacities to deal with effectively. And somehow, this time of the year seems to amplify or even exacerbate the deep experience of grief.

Sadness appears when there’s a loss or a perceived loss. Being inundated with images of happy families and couples can create that perceived loss because maybe you’re estranged from your family or spending time together is challenging due to dysfunction. Instead of a Norman Rockwell painting, your family might look like the opposite and that may feel sad for you. You may not even have a conscious awareness of the impact but you feel tears welling up when a certain song plays or an image appears on TV. It makes sense to feel that grief; you’re yearning for something you currently don’t have. The yearning for something else applies not only to families but also to romantic relationships.

Practically every movie and TV show on right now is about finding someone for the holidays. Over and over again there are depictions of falling in love during Hanukkah and Christmas gatherings. There’s bonding at the ice-skating rink, kissing under the mistletoe, and playfully pelting each other with snowballs. It’s easy to want that sense of joy and feeling carefree with a significant other when watching these depictions. If you’re single or struggling in your relationship or marriage, it can feel like everyone else has something you want: happy, functional relationships and that sense of co-created harmony (whether it’s Facebook fictional or actually true).

You likely know this but it bears repeating, you’re not alone in your feelings of grief, perceived or otherwise. Many people feel depressed right now, wishing their lives were different. There are also folx dealing with the death of a family member or friend. Maybe that’s you and there’s an ache in your chest as you contemplate getting through the holidays without your friend or family member that recently died. This is “supposed” to be the happiest season filled with festive tidings and good cheer, but for many, it’s just the opposite.

Don’t let art and social media bully you into feeling something that’s not authentic. Remember, this is a time of year for hibernating and going inward. It’s not only the winter solstice itself that brings up the sentiment, it’s also the days leading up to the solstice and the ones after it. We are in the midst of that time. Yes, it’s the holidays, but it’s also winter.

Winter is the season for spending conscious time alone. It’s ripe for embracing silence and cultivating or deepening your spiritual practices. If you’re grieving right now, no need to “put on a happy face” if you’d rather not. Allow yourself to cry and spend time with friends that can hold space for your feelings.

You don’t have to buy into the cultural messages arising right now. Instead, take care of yourself and do what’s best for you. If you want them to be, the holidays can be normal days, no muss or fuss required. You get to choose.

Journal prompts

·      If I create some space and quiet in my environment –to sit still, lie down, or meditate – what do I notice at a body level?

·      How is my relationship with myself currently?

·      What ideas, or even people, am I willing to let go of in this winter season? With whom am I looking to cultivate deeper connections?

Stay connected by subscribing to my newsletter.