‘Am I Nourishing My Inner Child(ren) or Not?’
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Looking within takes courage. It isn’t for the faint of heart. If you’re in a place in life where you have begun to explore some of the nooks and crannies of your vast internal landscape, you may have stumbled upon a few elements of this inner world.
Perhaps you’ve come across something commonly known as an inner critic or your shadow, or maybe you’ve stumbled upon your inner child or inner teenager. Believing you have an inner world is the first step in the journey of delving deep within this vast landscape. Being gentle with this process is not only important, but necessary, as it’s one that can and does strengthen over the course of a rich lifetime.
If you’ve found your way to my page, it may be safe to say that you believe you have an inner world or are at least curious about such things. And perhaps your inner children have been calling to you for attention and you have started the process of befriending them. This process of getting to know and befriend them is one of great adventure and along the way you might notice some things. For instance, your inner children may have many requests or even demands! They may say things like, “Forget work and let’s go fly kites!” “Let’s eat peanut butter cups for lunch!” “I want to go to a soccer game!” and more. Great!
It can be thrilling to be in touch with a part of yourself that wasn’t tended to for so long. It may also feel joyful to give these parts what they’re longing for but the question becomes, is it nourishing to say yes to these requests, or are you better off setting boundaries? Or is there a middle ground that may be interesting to tread to see what your little one may benefit from? No one gets a manual of how to be a good parent (to physical children) and no one gets a manual on how to be a good parent to one’s inner child(ren) but hopefully, these posts can offer a slight mapping of how to begin being a “good enough” parent to your inner ones.
I wish I could tell you determining whether to give in to requests, set boundaries, or find something in between is as easy as following a checklist, but it’s not. Like much of life, this is a gray area. Every person is unique and what feels nourishing to one may feel stressful to another. That’s why reparenting yourself is a marathon, not a sprint. You must pace yourself, take gentleness breaks along the way, and know it’s a journey. Becoming the parent your inner children need is a relationship like any other, requiring attention, care, and boundaries.
Over the years in our society we’ve been encouraged to say “yes” to life, to say yes to every opportunity, and give ourselves everything we want. There are numerous books on saying yes and people all over the internet advocating you only do what feels good. That’s unrealistic and not beneficial for your self or your relationships. Just as external children can be overindulged, inner children can as well.
Overindulgence can take many forms but for the purposes of inner child work, overindulgence usually means saying yes to every request. It means buying yourself gadgets and gizmos galore, eating whatever you want whenever you want it, and blowing off responsibilities to have fun. In the beginning, as you heal your inner children, it may feel as if acquiescing to every demand is nourishing because you’re giving yourself what you didn’t get growing up. That’s true to an extent. If your inner children have always wanted to attend a major league baseball game, take them! But also bring your adult. That means factoring in a realistic budget of money and time. Children need to learn that limitations are healthy and safe, however, they may not like them initially. So, be gentle with the part of yourself that may be upset when setting these sorts of limitations or boundaries.
How do you know if something is nourishing? Your body will clue you in. You may feel relaxed, your breathing may deepen as you contemplate the activity. Focusing and felt sense are powerful tools for listening to the body.
Another way to determine if a situation or activity is nourishing for the inner children is to check in with all parts of yourself. Will this benefit more than your inner children? Your little one may want peanut butter cups for lunch, but are you allergic to peanut butter as an adult? If so, eating peanut butter is not nourishing and, in that instance, your inner ones need healthy boundaries.
Some people think boundaries are rigid or require force. Sometimes that’s true, but sometimes a boundary means saying with compassion, “I know sweetie. I hear that you want to eat peanut butter cups. That makes sense! They’re delicious. But they upset my tummy. Is there something else we can eat instead?” Responding with compassion, rather than reacting with anger can go a long way with inner parts of the self.
In that way, setting a boundary can be deeply nourishing as you’re taking care of numerous parts at once. Inner child work can be considered inner child play when done with compassion and must take into account the entire, integrated whole person: the body, the mind, and the numerous ages within. When decisions are made that benefit as many parts as possible, that’s when nourishment arises.
Journal Prompts
· What are my inner children asking for today? Am I in a resourced place within so I can I give to them?
· Have I been too lenient with any requests? Would I be better off setting a boundary? If so, what is that boundary?
Resources
Resources
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