Healing and the Betrayal Wound
By Dr. Denise Renye
It begins in the womb, at a cellular level. The cells get what they need to develop. If the pregnancy is carried to term, there is a harsh push into this external world. What happened to that warm, ever nourishing environment that was ever present? The starkness of the lights and the temperatures are extreme. There are familiar voices, though, and since infants believe they are one being merged with the birthing parent for the first 6 or 7 months, anything that takes place during this time that separates the baby from parent is considered a betrayal. This could be an unavailable mother due to postpartum depression, adoption, medical complications that preoccupy the mother’s psyche, space and time, family dynamics that are all encompassing, the need to create income for the family to survive, or even a partner that feels jealous or envious of the disconnect they experience because they are not the birth parent.
Betrayal runs deep. And if there is a betrayal wound in one’s life that began from a young age, this may show up time and time again throughout one’s life. There is a primer that happens during the early stages of life and that may set the precedence for a person to have a wound in this area, thus finding themselves in situations wherein betrayal may be a core theme or wound they deal with in this lifetime.
The breaking of a trust bond is a betrayal. There was an implicit or explicit agreement made and all parties followed this until at least one did not. Betrayals can range from lying to oneself, such as happens often in the internal dynamics of addiction, to infidelity to revealing a secret or confidence that was expected to be kept.
Some self exercise to encourage healing:
Reflect on the situation. Was there any part that you can learn from? Any intuition that you overlooked? Forgive yourself and forgive yourself deeply. The inner critic can run rampant when a betrayal occurs. It throws people into a regression, at times, and blaming oneself can be a way of feeling centered in a very out of control situation.
Seek licensed professional assistance. It’s not easy to digest when something like this occurs. It’s important to have an unbiased space to voice your feelings. And, if it ties back to an early betrayal wound such as was described in the beginning of this blog, it’s important to work with someone who is psychodynamically trained so that you can not only assuage the symptoms of heartbreak pain, grief and loss but also have a deeper understanding of your own internal landscape so future decisions can be made from an empowered space.
Give yourself time and space to grief. Betrayal is loss. It is a loss of faith in relationship, people or a person specifically, and/or your own self. If it’s a loss of a relationship, consider creating a ritual. Creating a ritual is a space of depth for healing to occur.
To learn more about betrayal trauma and other topics, sign up for my newsletter.