The Benefits of Lying
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Human beings lie (and so do animals actually!). Why is that? Every living being engages in behavior, whatever it is, because there is a payoff for them. In the case of lying, for humans, it typically starts in childhood as a way to test boundaries, to get acquainted with the inside needs versus the outside limitations. How much can the child get away with? If they stick their hand in the cookie jar, will it go unnoticed, unacknowledged, and unpunished? Might lying be a way in which the child learns they matter enough to get some sort of attention? Lying tends to be a strategy for children to maintain their image about being “good” while also testing boundaries and discovering who they are as burgeoning adults. This dichotomy of good and bad, right and wrong is one that is socio-culturally birthed and encouraged. They want to maintain their parent’s or caregiver’s approval while also getting what they want – hence lying about taking cookies from the cookie jar.
However, lying isn’t something that ends in childhood – adults lie too for somewhat similar reasons as children. They lie to protect their image and be seen in a certain way. For instance, an adult may fib about watching the latest episode of a popular TV show in order to feel a sense of belonging with their work colleagues. Or they may lie about what they did over the weekend to sound cool, fun, or just more interesting.
Adults also lie because they’re worried about “getting into trouble” with their partner, their boss, their friend, etc. If they forgot to pick up milk on the way home from work, the person may lie and say the store was all out of the other person’s favorite brand rather than owning up to the fact they forgot. Lying is a tool that can provide relief and space for the person lying. People taking space for themselves is not something that is easily learned or practiced in this culture. Lying is not always wrong and I have no moral judgment about lying because I recognize it has a place and provides valuable information and insight into a person’s internal landscape.
One place where lying occurs with regularity is in romantic relationships. If one party doesn't feel they can be honest about what they are doing with their time, what their (conflictual) feelings are about someone else, or when they feel controlled, they will lie. It’s a strategic move to maintain their own autonomy and work things out on their own, rather than leaning into a relationship to work as a teammate. Again, it’s a protective mechanism.
People often want to protect themselves around the subject of monogamy. I’ve noticed in my therapy practice, one party may not want to remain monogamous, but doesn't know how to have the direct, honest, and vulnerable conversation about potentially opening up the relationship. Or the person doesn’t know how to have an honest preliminary conversation even expressing their desire to spend time with another person that is not their romantic partner. Instead, the party may lie and when they are caught, their partner may feel betrayed or taken advantage of because there never was an honest and vulnerable conversation. However, it is a respectful adult action to provide honesty and direct communication about wants, desires, and hopes for a relationship. Simple, yes. Easy, definitely not.
I love this quote from David Richo, author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships who said, “To be adult in relationship is not to be conflict-free, it's to resolve conflicts mindfully.” Conflicts will arise in the relationship so the question becomes, how do you handle them? Will you lie? Run away? Hide? Or confront the conflict?
Recognizing that relationships have conflict, I also see relationships as potential spiritual journeys. Relationships provide a stark, well-polished mirror for us to see ourselves, our wounds, our celebrations of self, and our young parts that deserve love and compassion as they learn how to be an adult in this world.
It’s hard to be an adult! It’s complicated! Lying is a strategy many use to cope. This is especially so in relationships where there are dynamics of addiction and codependency. I touched on it in my post on codependency and communication styles, but in these relationships people will also lie to themselves (aka, denial). They will pretend a substance or behavior is OK because sometimes it’s just too difficult to explore, say, or do otherwise.
If we are all in charge of our own feelings and internal experiences, let the chips fall where they may if you choose to lie. It can provide a fertile ground for growth for everyone involved. For instance, lying may lead you to ask the question, “Why am I lying?” or “How is it serving me or this situation to lie?” or “Is there a need underneath this lie that can lead me to live the life I actually want to live?” It can provide insight about what you truly desire in your life and your relationships.
If you’re interested in topics such as these, let’s keep in touch.
Reference
University of Rochester. “Do Animals ‘Lie’? Yes, Even to Their Own Kind, Biologist Says.” https://www.rochester.edu/news/show.php?id=1421#:~:text=Yes%2C%20Even%20to%20Their%20Own%20Kind%2C%20Biologist%20Says,-September%2025%2C%201995&text=When%20in%20a%20tight%20spot,of%20Rochester%20biologist%20has%20found.&text=But%20most%20believed%20bluffing%20among,should%20be%20rare%20or%20impossible. September 25, 1995