3 Ways to Determine if You’re a Match
By: Dr. Denise Renye
There’s a reality dating show from MTV (now streaming on Netflix) called “Are You the One?” where the premise is a group of men and women are secretly paired into couples by producers via a matchmaking algorithm. While living together in one big house, the contestants try to identify all of the "perfect matches" – in other words, the pairs the producers chose. If they succeed, the entire group shares a prize of up to $1 million, but if they don’t, the cash prize drops incrementally by $50,000.
Inevitably, show contestants learn who is their perfect match but disregard that information and continue to pursue relationships with other people that they’re more attracted to. It’s fine to base a relationship on sexual attraction, but are both partners on the same page? Or does one secretly hope the fling will turn into something more?
When entering into a romantic, sexual, or emotional partnership, it’s important to match maturity levels. Relationships have a hard time working when they don't match up, as evidenced in real life and also in “Are You the One?” Being a match involves more than, “I like dogs, you like dogs; we’re good!” Three very basic areas to determine whether you’re a match involve the following:
· Sexual communication
· Emotional intelligence
· Financial maturity
Sexual Communication
In terms of sexual communication, is each partner able to discuss consent? Desires? How does it feel to voice something even if it's rejected or the other partner is not interested? For instance, if you have a kink or a fetish, how is that handled? These are important clues as to whether you’re a match in your sexual communication. Shame often shows up in the bedroom so bringing consciousness back into the equation is imperative so you have a chance at a sex life enjoyable to everyone involved.
Emotional Intelligence
The term emotional intelligence, or EQ/EI, is popping up everywhere: not only intimate relationships, but also at the office. When I did more consulting work in leadership development and executive consulting, I helped people turn their focus inward to increase their EQ. It’s a trait that’s in high demand and with good reason: Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to perceive, control, and evaluate emotions. That trait comes in handy with relationships because it allows you to see someone else is angry, for instance, and respond accordingly.
Emotional intelligence is on a spectrum, but if one person has a much higher EQ than the other, there may a major imbalance in regards to emotional expression. Think, for instance, about common complaints in relationship: “I just want you to listen to me and not try to fix it,” or, “You didn’t notice I was upset.”
How does each person respond to emotion as it arises and does that work for their partner? Or perhaps partners? That’s another part of emotional maturity: being able to discuss what the person seeks in relationship. In new relationships, is it casual sex, a short-term relationship, a long-term relationship, a traditional marriage, polygamy, polyamory, or ethical nonmonogamy?
In established relationships, do the parties have the capacity to discuss whether they want to live together, sleep in the same bed (something I don’t recommend), or how they want to be approached in the morning or after work? These questions matter and will support a strong couple bond.
Financial Maturity
Did you know almost half of Americans (48%) in a serious relationship argue about finances and that it’s a top predictor for divorce? The most common dispute is how the other person is spending money. In order to minimize squabbling, have conversations about money in advance. Talk about money matters so neither person is resentful and knows what to expect.
Some things to consider:
· Having a separate bank account. If a couple pools all of their money into a joint account, it’s easier to fight about one person spending too much. To avoid this problem, have separate accounts that allow for each person to freely spend their own money. That way if one person spends $700 on cosplay gear, crypto, or massages, it won’t be an issue
· Sharing financial duties. If you’re able, share financial duties so one person doesn’t feel like they’re stuck paying bills and the other gets to spend their money on fun things. Approach financial obligations like a business deal so each person feels pleased with the arrangement. Being in a couple is part business. It should be treated as such. For couples unable to share financial duties, make it clear that each person contributes to the household. For instance, the person not working takes care of child-rearing, which is important, unpaid work.
So there you have it, three possible ways to determine if you’re a match: sexual communication styles, emotional intelligence, and financial maturity. If you talk about these issues now, you’re likely to have less conflict later.
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“A more conscious relationship is, paradoxically, one which leads to the discovery that one no longer needs the other person as much as one thought”
References
Ragusa, Gina. “Here’s how many couples really fight about money — and how to prevent conflict over finances.” Mic.com. Updated June 23, 2021. https://www.mic.com/articles/183236/heres-how-many-couples-really-fight-about-money-and-how-to-prevent-conflict-over-finances