How to Navigate the Holidays without Losing Your Mind

By: Dr. Denise Renye

The holidays can be a hard time of the year for many folx. No matter if you celebrate or what you celebrate, all around us are messages about buying gifts and being with family. In the U.S., much of the focus is on Christmas, and in particular, getting together with others for a gift exchange, eating a meal with family, and pasting a smile on your face to express your joy at the “happiest time of the year.” And in the last decade, the consumerism market has begun to more heavily include Hanukkah. I saw this evidenced in my last trip to good ol’ Target where the “Mensch on a Bench,” “Dancing Bubbe,” and the “Mitzvah Moose” were on sale in aisle 5.

However, that’s a show. For many, the reality of this time of year doesn’t match up to the fantasy. For Muslims and Jews, they may feel left out because they don’t celebrate the predominant holiday at all. They don’t fit into the Christian narrative so their experience during this time of year is quite different. They aren’t “roasting chestnuts over an open fire,” or wearing matching pajamas in a Christmas photo. And yet, for Muslims and Jews living in Christian-centric countries, those are the images and messages they’re seeing all around them, which can create a feeling of being left out. And this type of conditioning can create conflict within.

Even for people who do celebrate Christmas, they can also feel left out because their lives don’t match the Instagram posts littering their newsfeeds. Instead of a “picture perfect family,” perhaps they feel obligated to be around family they don’t like, are not out to, or feel uncomfortable being around.

Last year the holidays looked different for many due to the pandemic – they didn’t gather with family, or only celebrated over Zoom. For some, there may have been a sense of bittersweet relief because they didn’t have to travel, didn’t have to see that family member who is loud and intrusive, and didn’t have to hide parts of themselves into order to fit into a system they had outgrown.

Now though, despite the continued presence of Covid-19 variants like delta and omicron, many are choosing to celebrate the holidays with family once more. Doing so can be stressful! The question for people who feel that way is, “How can you take the charge out of the holidays? How can it be easier?”

My invitation to you: What if you considered the holidays rest days? What if instead of staying with family for five continuous days you took breaks in between? Or were with them only one to two hours each day? Otherwise, you might need a vacation from your vacation because your “vacation” was so stressful! It can be hard to feel rested if you’re anxious about everything that “needs” to get done during your supposed “downtime.”

With that in mind, here are some self-care options for this time of year:

·      Practice saying “no,” and setting boundaries. As a refresher, a boundary is an imaginary line that separates you from another person, place, thing, activity, or process. It not only separates you physically, but also delineates your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Relationships without boundaries are dysfunctional, unreasonable, and hard to manage, as Nedra Glover Tawwab reminds us.

·      Let the phone ring or the text go unanswered until you have time and space to respond. Or maybe it’s better for you to not respond at all. You don’t have to get back to people immediately or answer the phone because they’re calling. What works for you?

·      Take some quiet time for yourself. Getting in touch with your spiritual side can be especially grounding at this time. Check out this post on cultivating a spiritual practice if you’d like support around that.

·      Don’t buy presents or an overabundance of presents for people. If trying to find the “perfect” gift for someone in your life is stressing you out, consider not buying them a physical present and instead gifting them a certificate to their favorite restaurant, massage studio, etc.

·      If money is tight, consider not purchasing anything at all and creating something sentimental instead like a poem, piece of art, or song. Something from the heart can be just as, if not more, enjoyable than a new video game.  

·      Maintain your financial fitness. Many people are asking for money at this time of year, but as much as you’d like to support various organizations, you don’t have to. What is your spending plan like? How much are you comfortable donating? Stick to that number so as not to induce stress later.

Lastly, remember you are not alone. Many people are struggling right now as they navigate the holidays. Just because you see smiling faces on social media doesn’t mean the people are actually happy. An apt expression for this time is, “Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.” You can take care of yourself. I believe in you.

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