How Erectile Dysfunction is Tied to Patriarchy

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Hardness, this is something highly valued in our society. We see it valued in the workplace in our cut-throat attitudes, long working hours, and corporate set up. We see it in traditional male gender roles in the hetero-operating home that still linger today like men clean the gutters but women clean the house. And we see it in the bedroom. There is a pressure to get and maintain hardness throughout a sexual encounter. None of these scenarios allow for flexibility or for the wide range of feelings and emotional expressions that are within the human experience. And that includes people with penises.

Erectile dysfunction (ED) affects about 30 million men in the U.S., according to the National Institutes of Health (NIH). It’s a condition in which a man is unable to get or keep an erection firm enough for satisfactory* sexual intercourse. It can be short-term or long-term and includes the following:

·      Getting an erection sometimes, but not every time, the person wants to have intercourse

·      Having an erection but it not lasting long enough for fulfilling or satisfactory intercourse

·      Not able to get an erection at all

As a certified sexologist, I come into contact with many people via clinical sessions, coaching meetings, and classes. Many folx have a lot of shame around not getting or maintaining hardness. That deep shame penetrates not only the erection itself, but also the experience of being “too soft” generally. If “hardness” is associated with “manliness,” then the inability to be hard translates into being less of a man. This is simply not true. Due to the social conditioning we’re all receiving living under patriarchy, this has been a long-held belief and it is something that puts a great deal of pressure on penises and those with penises. Inevitably, the association backfires.

And when there is backfiring, big pharma enters the scene and pushes little blue pills that supposedly make the “problem” go away. However, there is no room for vulnerability to be acknowledged. When there is no room for that, we have more fully embraced the patriarchy. This is goal-oriented, not pleasure-oriented, and again is reflected in the bedroom in terms of goal-oriented sex as opposed to pleasure-oriented sex. It is a way in which intimacy is prescribed as needing to be this way or that.

If sex was embraced as an experience that allows for all parts of the self, it would be more multidimensional and dynamic. It would be beyond “body part in body part,” hetero-orgasm centered, and ending in all parties going to sleep. It would be dynamic in the sense that if there is loss of erection, the sexual intimacy scene would not be over. It would just be worked into it. There is plenty to do when a penis isn’t at “optimal hardness” or, for that matter, when a vagina isn’t at “optimal wetness.”

If this situation arises, first and foremost, check in with the owner of the penis (or the vagina) to ask if they want to continue on in that moment – without shaming. If they are still game, then by all means, creatively continue! Pssst…there is more to sex than penetration.

The trouble is, that sort of conversation isn’t encouraged because it’s vulnerable and soft. Instead, the patriarchy associates softness with femininity and thus it becomes something “bad,” especially if you’re a man. Patriarchy tells men and women how they “should” be, how they “should” act and the system has no idea what to do with transfolx or those who are nonbinary. Therefore, men and those on that end of the gender continuum are encouraged to be “hard” not only physically, but emotionally. Cut-throat, ruthless behavior thrives under patriarchy and is even praised whereas consideration and care are not. Care, consideration, and cooperation are instead demeaned. Boys are told messages like, “Big boys don’t cry,” or “Be a man,” or “Man up,” because a display of emotion other than anger is considered weakness.

How does this correlate with ED? I believe the condition is a physical manifestation of the inability for the person to be themselves. If a man is not able to be his whole self – which includes soft, vulnerable, and human – that softness must be expressed somewhere. For some men, it’s erectile dysfunction.

As much as society jokes about penises “having a mind of their own,” they don’t. They are firmly connected to men and intertwined with their brains. While some men struggle with ED because of health conditions, up to 20% of cases are psychological. If a person with a penis is stressed, anxious, depressed, having relationship problems, concerned about performance, feeling guilty, or has a low self-esteem, they’ll be unable to get or maintain an erection. The brain impacts the body and vice versa. You cannot separate the two no matter how much some try.

Instead, try to integrate the mind and the body, the masculine and feminine parts of yourself. You might be surprised to find how much happier you feel, and have better sex to boot.

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.

*Even though medically defined concerns and disorders use words like “satisfactory,” it is very subjective as to what that actually means. Only those in the relationship itself can truly come to an agreement as to what “satisfactory” is.

Reference

National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases. “Definition & Facts for Erectile Dysfunction.” https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/urologic-diseases/erectile-dysfunction/definition-facts. Accessed October 14, 2021.

The Well-being Institute. “Causes and Treatment Options of Psychological Impotence.” University of Cambridge. http://www.cambridgewellbeing.org/psychological.html. Accessed October 14, 2021.