A Nonconsensual Third Wheel in Your Relationship: The Cell Phone

By: Dr. Denise Renye

In today's digital age, the cell phone is an inseparable part of our daily lives. It’s revolutionized communication and brought convenience to our fingertips but it’s also introduced an unexpected and unwelcome element into intimate relationships. In other words, it’s become a nonconsensual third wheel. Especially if you have a smartphone, the constant dinging and notifications can intrude on the “couple bond,” or your closeness as a couple.

It's often played as a joke in TV shows and movies where during sex one of the partners answers their phone or looks at a text. Even if cell phone use isn’t that extreme, the cell phone can lead to emotional and sexual distance between partners. If either or both partners prioritize looking at their phones when they spend time together, that could lead to infidelity because as I’ve written about previously, the top two reasons people give for cheating are, “My partner and I stopped having sex,” and “My partner stopped paying attention to me.”

When individuals prioritize their phones over their partners during quality time, such as dinner or intimate conversations, it sends a message of neglect. Over time, this can lead to feelings of loneliness and resentment as one partner (or both!) feel(s) unheard and unimportant in the relationship.

Constant phone use, including scrolling through social media, texting, or even playing mobile games, can lead to a lack of genuine emotional connection. Partners may struggle to engage in meaningful conversations and share their thoughts, dreams, and concerns when one or both individuals are constantly distracted by their devices. The emotional connection that once held the couple together may begin to erode and they may drift further apart.

The drift can extend to sexual distance whereby the partner who feels emotionally disconnected may seek gratification or emotional support outside the relationship, often turning to the internet or dating apps. The third wheel becomes even more prominent in that the partner is likely using their phone to sext, conduct an online affair, or cheat in another way. The cell phone, but smartphone especially, creates easy access to explicit content and potential connections with others. It may become a mechanism for unethical sexual gratification, breed secrecy, and spur distrust. If the relationship betrayal is discovered, that creates even more problems and further emotional as well as sexual distance between partners.

I’ve painted a dark picture of cell phone use but that’s only because you’re likely already aware of the positives – staying in touch throughout the day or week, sharing moments, fostering intimacy, maintaining connection while physically apart, etc. – but without boundaries, the cell phone can become a third wheel.      

To maintain a healthy and fulfilling partnership, couples need to recognize the potential pitfalls of excessive phone use and establish boundaries that allow them to prioritize each other. Open communication, trust, and mutual respect for one another's feelings and needs are crucial for maintaining a strong, connected relationship in the digital age. Ultimately, by addressing the issues arising from the intrusion of the cell phone, couples can work together to create a more harmonious and intimate bond. In that way, the cell phone is no longer a third wheel and instead a tool for creating more connection.

Journal Prompts

• Reflect on a recent moment in your relationship where you felt that technology, such as cell phones, was a nonconsensual third party. How did it make you feel, and what steps could you take to address this issue?

• Consider the impact of digital distractions on emotional intimacy. Describe a time when you and your partner's emotional connection was compromised by excessive cell phone use. What strategies can you implement to ensure a deeper emotional connection in your relationship?

• Examine the role of trust and technology in your relationship. Have you ever faced challenges related to your partner's cell phone use that led to trust issues? How did you address these concerns, and what measures can you take to rebuild or maintain trust in your relationship?

For more tips on improving your romantic relationship, subscribe to my newsletter.

To set up an appointment to work together for sex therapy, depth psychotherapy, or holistic coaching now, click here.